Is Travelling to work hurting your kids?

Train commuters

It’s an unfortunate necessity that we have to make money in order to survive in life.  But how, where, and under what circumstances we make that money is something within our control.

As my kids are away on holiday with their mom, I’ve had a chance to do a few things that are a bit out of the ordinary for me. The other day took me in to London for a days work with a client.  This happens very infrequently, and as that day proved to me, that suits me just fine.

I live in a small town on the outskirts of London, and I’m lucky enough to work and live in the same town.  My daily commute consists of a brisk 5 minutes from home to work.  On the days I take my kids to school, this is a not so brisk (but still refreshing) 20 minute round trip from home-to-school-to-work.  I count myself lucky that my commute is so condensed – and I’m well aware this isn’t the average.

According to several sources on this subject, the average daily commute to work in the UK is 50 minutes.   That’s almost 2 hours a day where we have no choice but to be bottled up in a moving thing with little ability to do anything productive.  Of course, there are things that we can do like read a book, get some work done on a laptop, or (as I saw the mid-40s man do on my commute that day) play video games!  All in all, it’s a pretty dismal way to spend 2 hours a day.

It’s a really difficult reality that many of us face.  According to the Office of National Statistics (ONS) the average salary in London is £34,473 as opposed to £22,044 for the UK as a whole.  Those in close proximity (but not actually in) London may see wages above the national average, but it’s still well below the salaries earned by those going in to the capital.

This puts big pressure on the choices that parents need to make.  As a really crude example, I’m aware that a train season ticket in to London from my local station is about £3,000.  All things being equal, this means that, even after paying for the train, I’d be about £8,000 better off to go in to London – actually this equates to about £5,440 in your pocket.

We’re speaking averages and generalisations here, but £5,440 in your pocket a year is a big chunk of change.  This is some serious money and serious considerations have to be made around choices to either take or abandon that type of money.

Here’s what an extra £5,440 can buy you in the UK:

  • 2.5 Holidays to Europe for a family of four.
  • 136 meals out at a local restaurant (I’d say £40 for a family of four is fair).
  • A Deposit on a decent 5 Door BMW Sporty looking thing (I’m not a car man).
  • 54 trips to Thorpe Park.
  • 4.5 months rent on a 3 bedroom house (at least in my part of the world).

OK, you get the point.  The money could be very useful to the average family.  I could go for that, and in fact, I’ve had some serious discussions with my partner about commuting in to London for work (in actuality, for me, a commute would take about 2.5 hours out of my day – and that sucks)!

However, the biggest discussion point for us as a family has been how much that commute costs?  I’m not talking about the price the train ticket, the petrol to the station, and the parking.  What interests me is how much of a toll the 2 hours of commuting costs the average parent emotionally, physically and psychologically?

During my most recent commuting experience I saw a group of tired, depressed, angry looking people.  There were no smiles, there was no human interaction, it looked like a train full of zombies.  Now, I have no idea if these people, once through their front door, were able to re-awaken in to the land of the living and be upbeat and excited about life, but I imagine this isn’t the case.  I imagine that the drain of the commute, and the resulting slumber extends in to the family home.  How does this translate to that commuter’s ability to parent?

From my experience, having the ability to be home with my children, sat at the dinner table by 5:30, with energy enough for a kick about at the park afterwards, is worth more than those extra few pounds the commute would bring.  No fancy holidays this year, but at least when I see my kids, I’m fresh and able to give them my best.

The decision is an easy for the moment – stay put, earn a bit less, live a bit more!

WEEK 22.5 – Buying stuff

Cot

We’re somewhere in the middle of week 22 and 23.  How accurate can this really be?  My mind is boggled by the “really great” estimates that the ultra sounders (I forgot what they’re called) and the midwife comes up with.  We’re at 22.5 by my estimates, so that’s what I’m going with.

Babywise, there isn’t a lot going on.  It seems like a bit of a boring week when it comes to baby and mom websites as well.  Those talk about gaining weight, swelling fingers, one even suggests your feet will grow (moms not dads).  If all they can talk about during week 22 is that you’ll put on weight and get stretch marks, then you know they’re struggling for content.   It seems like there isn’t much to talk about all around – except there is some development stuff like the development of the pancreas.  The pancreas is important, but it’s not making headlines.

Here’s what I know is happening.  We’re looking for stuff for the baby.  True to my tag, we’re doing this on a budget.  The budget is self imposed (leave buying new stuff to the first time parents), but also imposed by severe lack of funds.  Call us crazy, but we’ve decided to buy a house during this process.  We move in to the house somewhere around week 33 – that shouldn’t be stressful!

I have to admit, I am not a shopper.  It absolutely kills me.  When it comes to buying things for me, it’s in, try on, fits right, to the till, out the door.  Luckily, buying on a budget means I don’t have to go in to a shop, because it’s simply too expensive.  Of course, we aren’t shopping traditionally, but we still have to shop.  Our shopping is done on the internet.  This consists of cruising local “for sale” and “pre-loved”(whoever came up with that idea is an idiot) sites and waiting for parents to decide to get rid of stuff as their kids get bigger and things no longer fit.  This natural growing process of kids is good for guys like me – second-hand cots go for cheap!

Week 22.5 isn’t all that exciting.  If my partner read this, I’d probably get a slap around the head.  I’m sure her experience of week 22.5 is a bit different!  But as a guy, there’s no baby in my tummy, so my contribution is helping pick out cots.  Wild times!

Do you set goals?

Goals

I’ve always set goals.  This has happened, generally, in two ways.  First it’s happened naturally, as I’ve decided what I want, or where I want to be, and then thought out the process to get there.  The process was in my head and I set out and got to where I wanted to be.   The second way is a bit more mechanical.  This form of goal setting consists of thinking about my goals, writing them down, breaking them down to the small achievable elements, and then being very disciplined about going through those steps to achieve the goal.

When I was younger, the natural goal selection and attainment came, well, a lot more naturally.  I guess it was because there was so much less clutter in my life.  Perhaps it was because, at that age, I didn’t have to convince myself so much that the goal was a good one, or achievable, or worth the work.  When you’re younger, you haven’t met with defeats and failures at those things you’ve set out to achieve, so that initial resistance to hold back just isn’t there.

When I was young, I was a go getter, and no one had to convince me to go out and get things that I wanted.  Wanting to achieve came naturally.

These days, some of my goals still happen naturally, but increasingly I find myself taking the more mechanical route.  It doesn’t bother me though, because when I know what I want, I just have to work a bit more consciously to get there.

I’m battling with this at the moment when it comes to my children.  As an adult, I can see the value of setting goals.  I can see the worth of setting out and achieving the things that you want.  I can see that the mechanical way works for me (now).  As an adult, I want to help my kids be better, and live a happy life.  My adult brain wants to introduce them to setting goals.

I’m a dad and sometimes I make the mistake of trying interfere too much!

(As a side note, I am not saying that I want to tell my kids what their goals should be.  Their dreams and what they want to achieve are their own domain.  I’m not pushing anyone to become a pro football player – unless that is their dream.  The actual goal doesn’t concern me, it’s how they go about achieving the goals that I’m talking about.)

At the moment here’s what I am doing.  When my kids start to talk about things they want to do, I get excited about it for them – I get interested, I ask questions, and I let them tell me all about it.  Kids like to talk and be listened to (don’t we all)!  There’s value in talking things out loud and telling others what you want to do.  Responding to your children in a positive way when they talk about their dreams must help them believe they are achievable.

Does anyone out there have experiences around goal setting with children?  Are there resources you’ve seen, or research that shows the importance of helping your children set goals?  More importantly, does the research or resources show the best way to approach goal-setting with children?

I’m really interested in how other parents feel about this topic.

Let your kids climb – don’t worry so much!

The science now confirms it.  Kids should Climb Trees.

20150418_164544

This is something that I thought was universally understood, but as a father, I’ve seen those around me terrified by the thought of letting their kids climb.  When I started to meet other parents in playgrounds, fields, nature reserves, I was always surprised how protective they were.

Of course, I’m also worried that my kids might fall and hurt themselves.  That’s always in the back of my mind, but protecting them too much is hurting them as well.  At least this study proves that there’s even more value to letting them climb.

Get out there, find some trees, they’re pretty much everywhere!

Sometimes wetting the bed is funny!

Fire pit

We were sat in front of this the other night.  We didn’t camp on our holiday because the weather wasn’t cooperating and I spared my pregnant partner from the pain of sleeping in a cold tent.

On our return home, the weather improved, so we lit a fire in our back yard and roasted marshmallows.  At one point my son kept prodding the fire with a stick.  As all good fathers know, playing with fire leads to bed wetting (or so the legend goes).

I looked him in the eye and said, “Stop playing with the fire or you’ll wet the bed tonight.”

A good two minutes passed, no further fire prodding took place.   I could see there was a lot of thinking going on in his head.  He eventually broke his silence and asked in the most serious voice I’ve ever heard from him.

” So dad, do you definitely pee the bed if you’ve been playing with the fire?”

I almost fell off my chair.

Kids are great, and sometimes the subject of wetting the bed can make you laugh.

Week 21 – Stuck in the middle

I wasn’t sure how to bring this in to the blog, but it’s going to come out sooner or later.  Not only am I a dad to two great kids, I’m going to be a dad again.  We’re in week 21 now and things seem to be going along quite well.

It’s kind of like being stuck in the middle at the moment.  That initial rush of excitement has come, the scary moments of those first few weeks has passed, the scans show a healthy baby, and now we sit and wait.  Of course, some cool things are happening as well.  Last night I had my hand kicked and punched for a good ten minutes (by baby, not by mom – hormones are stable).  The baby is becoming really active, and that’s exciting.

I expect no one’s sympathy, but it’s hard for dads to really get in to this baby thing at the start.  Thankfully we don’t get all of the not so great side effects of morning sickness, sleepless nights, and hormone changes.  But likewise, we don’t have little babies growing inside us.  We don’t have the most extreme bond that two human beings could ever have – that’s reserved solely for the mothers out there.  I’m not sure how other men feel about this, but it’s something it makes me a bit jealous.

Now that baby is really moving around in there, for me at least, the connection has really started to fire up.  Those kicks are the first touch I’ve felt from my baby.  That’s exciting!

Week 21 is a bit stuck in the middle, but it’s pretty good for us dads because we get the first feel of our babies (albeit through a beautiful bump)!

Hey dads out there, do you feel the same way?